Your Mom’s A Blog

The Great Gate of Kiev is definitely the seminal work.  As shillings pass from hand to hand the final destination becomes less and less clear as the probabilities founder in a sea of sorrow.  St. John’s point is thus well taken when he makes reference to starlings.  Their dung sits heavy on the branches like black and white snow.  The similitude between them and Irish pudding is tomato-y.  Despite this, the vice presidential candidates amongst Democrats have always seemed like silly men in general.  While this is not universally the case black holes may be at the center of many of galaxies and directly responsible for the appearance of small amounts of heavy water in the Great Lakes.
Detroit is a ghost town of epic proportion.  If we consider that an emotional appeal runs directly counter to the idea of justice, we begin to see why.  The people of the mouse have made great strides in the halls of learning, particularly at Oxford and Tweed.  Though the hat is often considered stylish it no longer has a place in modern society aside from the flying of balls and the face.  Steak sandwiches concur with these findings but are quick to point out that stereophonic systems are not the only viable option.
Cato was Greek like a honeycomb that the bees have all abandoned for better working conditions in Hollywood.  The whip like movement of the tower was more disconcerting to those on top while those on the bottom quickly tried to pick their Dippin’ Dots off the ground before they melted.  Having never thrown a silver dollar into a wishing well, the old woman was sure that her needlepoint would never be finished.  This is clearly illustrated by the fact that word processors used to have blue backgrounds and only a few fonts; Arial, cumulous and astronomical logarithm.
Spaghetti is generally considered better when warm and cozy near the fire.  Spiced wines match with camel and khaki pants, though common at archeological digs.  The reader will note that, in this particular instance, nothing specifically, is being conveyed, in as many useless or as few words as humanly and necessarily possible.  This is in stark contrast to construction in Japan during the Middle Ages.  Though the tea was superior it was nothing compared to the beauty of the female form.  Why did anyone even argue the point?  We are left to assume that society must have deemed it important, otherwise they would have deemed something else important.
Only 15 minutes remain in which to remain a minuet.  The stream was found clogged with grasshopper shoes, authorities say.  Even with such a vehement denial oats have been found to have healthful properties no longer or shorter than a standard computer cord.  Demolition experts attempted in vain to dismantle the bomb chicka bow wow.  Had they been successful businessmen, great damage would have been done to bananan republics’ economic stability.  It is simply a matter of capital, said Washington to the blind man.  He picked up the hammer and saw many things glorious to tell tale heart.
In conclusion, knight to kings rook 4, check was made out to an as yet undetermined individual.  Although it bounced, other such devices like trampolines and pogo sticks were not found at the scene.  Movies are great way to understand American pop culture, unless you’re not into that sort of thing.  The overall effects are conclusive and beyond the scope of this document.  Special thanks should be given to those who risked their life to make this possible.  Give me a call when you get this or just whenever is convenient.  I’ll be in town until the 21st.  Say hello to the pimp for me.

In a recent e-mail exchange I was given one man’s perspective on Conservatism; what it means and how it is manifested.  My knee jerk reaction was to ignore his points as being overly biased, somewhat emotional, and generally uninformed.  As I thought about it I began to realize that I have never looked into the origins of Conservatism to determine if Conservatism in America is anything like Conservatism elsewhere or if it bears a resemblance to its earliest formulations.  To that end I did a little research and found a simple outline of Conservative philosophy which I will quote after a few more words.  I was hoping anyone reading this would contrast and compare my findings with their personal definition of Conservatism.

Conservatism as a philosophy, political or otherwise seems to have its origins in a gentleman by the name of Edmund Burke.  Burke was writing in response to events that took place during the French Revolution.  For those who are not historians, there are mixed responses to the French Revolution.  On one hand it saw the overthrow of a monarchy, that was resident in the nation where the revolution took place, and established a republic.  At the same time there where huge numbers of people slaughtered, France didn’t fair well in the world in the time immediately afterward and arguably this paved the way for Napoleon to come to power.

[Here are the essential tenants of Burke’s philosophy.
(1) Man is basically a religious animal, and religion is the foundation of civil society.  A divine sanction infuses the legitimate, existing, social order.
(2) Society is the natural, organic product of slow historical growth.  Existing institutions embody the wisdom of previous generations.  Right is a function of time.  “Prescription,” in the words of Burke, “is the most solid of all titles…”
(3) Man is a creature of instinct and emotions as well as reason.  Prudence, prejudice, experience, and habit are better guides than reason, logic, abstractions, and metaphysics.  Truth exists not in universal propositions but in concrete experiences.
(4) The community is superior to the individual.  The rights of men derive from their duties.  Evil is rooted in human nature, not in any particular social institutions.
(5) Except in an ultimate moral sense, men are unequal.  Social organization is complex and always includes a variety of classes, orders, and groups.  Differentiation, hierarchy, and leadership are the inevitable characteristics of any civil society.
(6) A presumption exists “in favor of any settled scheme of government against any untried project….”  Man’s hopes are high, but his vision is short.  Efforts to remedy existing evils usually result in even greater ones.]

Ultimately Conservatism is the espousal of the status quo in all things except at the utmost end of need.  What do you think?

Information in brackets is copied from Conservatism As An Ideology, by Samuel P. Huntington, Harvard University

Continuing in the same vein as my previous post. I’m finding it very difficult to determine what and how I should think and feel about any individual or party because of the amount of propaganda being spewed by both sides. Since World War II propaganda has had a very negative connotation and rightly so, though both sides engaged in it. Today it is no less a source of unnecessary paranoia, mistrust and fear than it ever was. (If you want something really interesting, look up the etymology of propaganda and how it has been used in the past, specifically the College of Propaganda.)

What is propaganda? It is information, ideas, or rumors deliberately spread widely to help or harm a person, group, movement, institution, nation, etc. This definition implies that legitimate information that is spread to discredit someone or something also falls under the definition of propaganda, but for my purposes I’ll focus on propaganda of a very particular sort, the unsubstantiated and rhetorical. Unsubstantiated propaganda is the type we all know well and is spread via something like an Internet chain e-mail. Rhetorical propaganda is of the type that uses something besides logic or proof to convince the individual. An example I’ve seen lately was one in which Che Guevara was referred to as “the mass murderer” Che Guevara. This is clearly an attempt to prejudice the listener against Che Guevara, especially if the listener does not know much about this particular Cuban guerilla leader.

Propaganda in politics is particularly prevalent because it has a built in benefit (at least in America) of warning you about threats to your freedom. The problem we face is that we do not ask anyone to substantiate any claim they make about anyone or anything. Let me put forth a few examples from the previous election. Obama was involved with a shady real-estate deal with a notorious Chicago political “fixer.” McCain told secrets to prevent being tortured in clear violation of standing military orders.

I’ve heard both of these and have one comment. Prove it. More importantly, after proving it, do something to prove malicious intent or malice aforethought by either candidate. A big problem we seem to have as Americans is taking a very G.I. Joe, black and white view of everything. Every human on the planet is guilty of bad judgment at some point in time and every person falls short of their own ideal goals. What is troublesome is how blind we are to that when we like the person and how it is all we see when we don’t.

If you are reading this and going “Yeah, but…” for either of the previous scenarios please stop for a moment and consider the following.

1. What primary source document have you seen to prove your opinion one way or another. Most news and talk radio do not count because they do not reveal their sources of information. Think primary, someone who was there, who saw with their own eyes or heard with their own ears and who does not have a clear political agenda or obvious reason to lie.

2. What do you know about your own party? Without going to Wikipedia or Google can you tell me the basic philosophical tenants of your party, i.e., what is the main goal of conservatism, what are the primary branches of liberalism?

3. What information do you have to suggest that one idea is better or worse than any other idea besides how you feel about it? You want to deregulate business? What study can you show comparing business ventures with more regulation to ones with less regulation? You want to provide universal health care? Has anyone else done that, has it worked, why or why not? Simply thinking about the problem is not sufficient. That mind set held the sciences back for hundreds of year. Just because something seems obvious or right to you does not mean that it is obvious or right to someone else, or objectively correct.

I am personally guilty of forming opinions without much in the way of proof one way or another. It is a problem I’m trying to rectify and one I’m finding very difficult. The amount of information out there is enormous. How do you filter legitimate content and then how do you find the information you need? I suspect that if I have this problem most people must have a similar problem. The fact that people are so vehement on both sides when the evidence to me seems at best contradictory and at worst indiscernible leads me to believe we are not forming opinions on facts as much as feelings.

You may have heard the expression “Never discuss politics or religion in mixed company.” I intend to break that rule, but only in the realm of politics. Apparently I’ve given people the impression that I am a Republican. I am not. Nor am I a Democrat. I’m a swing voter, depending on the issues, the stance of the party and the comments of the candidate. The problem is that the American populous is making it harder and harder to make a good decision about who to vote for. This begs the question, “how does the populous make voting more difficult?” The simple answer is by being uninformed about the general function of government.

If anyone has followed a presidential election since the 1980’s you’ve probably noticed some hot button issues. Abortion, gun control, immigration, welfare reform, etc. are all perennial giants in the political scene. The reason that we hear about these every four years is because the public wants to hear about them. The problem is that the president of the United States has little say in these topics. I’ll use abortion as the example. In the United States abortion is legal under certain constraints, some of these constraints are set by the federal government, some by the state.

Irrespective of any personal opinion on the matter, the Supreme Court made a ruling on the constitutionality of abortion. Under the 9^th and 14^th Amendments to the Constitution the Supreme Court decided that a woman ultimately has the right to decide what happens with her own body. This is based off a right to privacy which has a long (emphasis on long) history in the law. This is contrasted against the rights of the fetus or unborn child. Because we are a nation which has it’s roots in past precedence and there is much less in the way of past precedence for legal issues involving beings as yet unborn, the rights of the mother won out.

For those against abortion I should say that it is unlikely that Roe v. Wade will be overturned in its current state. Doing so means going directly against 2 Constitutional amendments. Most likely the balance will have to be struck between the rights of the mother and the rights of the unborn child, but even this is problematic. What is even more problematic is a president saying he is going to do anything about this issue at all. Why? For starters he doesn’t introduce legislation, he doesn’t debate legislation and nominally does not amend legislation (save for the line item veto.) That is the job of the legislature. The president can surely choose to pass or veto something once it has been approved by the House and Senate. Even then, the law is subject to Judicial Review.

This is the whole point of our system. Every branch of government is subject to every other branch so that no one can take truly unilateral action unless all branches agree. This is a fact that is totally ignored during most presidential campaigns. As a result, all we really hear is some vague idea of how the president plans to lead the party, not the country. A problem that also makes it very difficult to determine a real political agenda when both sides spend all their time pandering for additional support with empty words and razzle-dazzle.

I have undertaken, by popular demand (of 1 constituting about 10% of my readership) to address the subject of time travel, mostly how the current laws of physics make Terminator Salvation quite impossible (aside from the idea that we could inadvertently create sentience in a computer system.)

Time travel can be quite confusing, so I’ll begin by putting things in their correct context. A physicist does not like the term time travel because travel is, by definition, something you do in spatial dimensions. You may travel through a room, but we do not travel through time. Time is a part of the universe in which we live and, like space, is also relative. This means that there is no such thing as an absolute standard of time. In other words, no physical law states that two observers must measure time at the same rate. This is part of the Twins Paradox. Basically if you gave a pair of twins the most accurate atomic clocks known to man and then put one twin on top of Mt. Everest (highest point on Earth) for the rest of his life and the other twin at the bottom of the Marianas Trench (lowest point on Earth) set both clocks for 50 years to the second, the Everest clock would expire first, relative to an observer at sea level.

All this is to say that neither time nor space are constants, so in some sense if you get in a car and drive anywhere (thanks to time dialation) you have “traveled” forward in time, i.e. you have arrived at a point in time that did not take the whole time to get to from the point of a relatively stationary observer. With me so far? Okay. Time travel is actually exploiting a closed timelike curve, or a loop in space-time. Because space and time are inter-connected it is (theoretically) possible to perturb space and time into a loop. Though there is only speculation about how this might be accomplished, a loop in space-time would allow something to return to a previous point in time that exists on the loop. Attaining this goal requires something science calls exotic material or matter which has the quality of negative average energy density. At the moment exotic matter is just an idea; there is currently no proof of its existence. (If it did exist it would also be integral to ½ of a Star Trek-like warp drive, but that is another story.) For now I’ll ignore the more popular go-faster-than-light time travel theories because they don’t work well for literally getting a tangible object to some place corresponding with a time in the past.

So let us assume that such a thing as a time machine exists that is capable of both creating and exploiting a closed timelike curve. Usually this sort of thing appears in science fiction, particularly in the film series Terminator. So the question becomes, can a person, or machine go back in time and change things? The answer to this question is most often no. The reason is that it violates causality. Causality is the idea that every physical event has a cause. We may not know or fully understand the cause, or even be able to predict a cause’s effect but all effects have a cause. For this reason, the probability of an effect having a cause in the future is zero unless the cause is not a cause, i.e., is produces no effects. Theoretically a person could go back in time and observe some historic event, but not interfere. A person could go back in time and change something, but only so long as that thing did not have any effect on history. This means a person could save some of a species of plant, animal etc., and replace it with a facsimile, and then bring the thing back to the future to begin having effects there. This idea is called the Novikov Self-Consistency Principle. Basically, no event in the past can be predicated on an event in the future which might be predicated on that same event in the past.

What does this ultimately mean? It means that John Conner could not have sent his own father back in time to conceive him with his mother. It also means that SkyNet could not possibly hope to improve the future by changing the past. Doing so is the definition of a space-time paradox which is either prevented from occurring by the laws of physics or drastically bad for the universe because it would cause the laws of physics to breakdown. The only other places I know where the laws of physics as we know them do not apply are inside the event horizons of black holes. This doesn’t mean that a space-time paradox would create a black hole; it does mean that in said paradox the universe as we know it breaks down and the ability to comprehend as we do goes along with it.

On the off chance that there is a bigger geek than me reading this going “Hey! What about the many-worlds theory of quantum mechanics?” Novikov assumes these are inaccessible, and if you have some evidence to suggest that they are, I’m all ears Doc Brown. 1.21 JIGAWATTS!

Having spent many years doing things on the Internet has taught me that virtually anything (knowledge-wise) is available online. I remember at the age of 16 I found an old 1930s era telephone; I found the wiring schematics online, re-wired it and made it work. This was back in the mid to late 90s when the commercial Internet was booming, but fast and easy access for all was not necessarily the rule.

What follows is a list of online resources that make available all kinds of information quickly and easily. If you know of any good websites please comment with information such as topic / subject matter and URL. As a final comment I am intentionally leaving out search engines, e.g. Google, because everyone knows about them and they require a certain understanding of the Internet to be really effective.

General Knowledge:

1. Wikipedia, http://en.wikipedia.org
2. Wikibooks, http://en.wikibooks.org (There are a number of great resources under the wiki heading, you can find them at the bottom of the Wikipedia main page.)
3. iTunes U (This is available via the iTunes store and contains thousands of free video and audio from Universities around the world)
4. Adobe Media Player (You can download this from Adobe, it has great informational videos as well as episodes of Star Trek and 90210 etc.)
5. Digg, http://digg.com (Harnesses the power of the random surfer to find all kinds of stuff. It’s not the most organized collection of info, but neither is this blog post.)

General Science:

1. Wolfram Alpha, http://www.wolframalpha.com/index.html

History Source Material

1. Internet History Sourcebook Project, http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/ (This is a listing of primary source materials for all epochs of recorded human history. Indispensable to the history buff or history major.)
2. Project Gutenberg, http://www.gutenberg.org/wiki/Main_Page (This should not necessarily be under the history heading, but this site contains tens of thousands of free e-books [historical because their copyrights have expired.])

Music

1. Ricci Adams’ musictheory.net, http://www.musictheory.net/ (Includes various utilities and trainers, all available for download)
2. Chordie, http://www.chordie.com (Includes tons of guitar chords, tablature, lessons and instruction for free)

Tech Stuff

1. Revision3, http://www.revision3.com (A website of free videos about everything cool, technical and some other random stuff.)

It is often said that the best offense is a good defense, or maybe it is the other way around. In any case preparing for a zombie attack will make it easier when it does in fact occur. There are certain precursors or signs to look for that signal a massive undead uprising. These signs vary depending on the type of zombies that issue forth.

The voodoo/magical zombies will be the easiest to detect because there are many forces that keep a large number of them from being created. Armies of these zombies can’t be summoned at the drop of a hat. Something special is required to really rouse the dead en masse. Usually some astronomical phenomenon will do the trick. If the planets are all aligned, or some weather anomaly turn the moon red, this is a sure sign that something bad is about to happen. For the exceptionally paranoid reader: read the Book of Revelation, especially the parts about the breaking of seals and pouring out of judgment. (It will be your job to stand in crowds of running people, recite those scriptures and say that this is God’s righteous punishment.) Because voodoo has roots in Catholicism there are also certain ecclesiastical powers that prevent zombie uprisings. A wide scale uprising can, therefore only take place at the actual end of days or in the interim period between popes.

How to Prepare:

Freak astronomical events only occur at a great expanse of years (1000 years is a good round number.) Unfortunately, there are not accurate records about the last zombie uprising because they have been suppressed by governments and/or some secret societies. Fortunately there are steps that can be taken. Determining what astronomical events to be concerned about we must first determine what previous astronomical events caused a mass zombie disturbance. This is a more challenging task. First we will need a panel of experts versed in dead languages, cryptographers, archeologists, astronomers, astrophysicists, and mystics. This group will be charged with poring over the sacred documents looking for codes, finding ancient libraries (the Holy Grail and/or Ark of the Covenant,) monitoring the sky, etc. They will warn of potential astronomical events so that society will not be caught unawares.

Popes, unfortunately, come and go more frequently (there have been 200 some in the past 2000 years.) We can petition the Vatican to have a new pope ready to go before the current pope dies. In fact, there can be a list of potential candidates just be safe (like the order of presidential succession.) This should prevent any lapse in ecclesiastical authority. After all it is surely bad doctrine to expose the faithful to potential zombie attack on an average of every 10 years.

Finding documents hidden by the government and secret societies is more difficult. First, an Anti-Zombie political party must be formed. The leader of this party must be elected chief executive of all countries that hold democratic elections so that he or she can appoint other Anti-Zombie Party members to key positions within intelligence agencies. For countries without democratically elected governments, Anti-Zombie nations will simply declare them a threat to their respective national securities, invade them, and talk their secret documents.

For secret societies everyone must be vigilant. When visiting friends, family and neighbors, search for signs that they belong to a secret society. Check closets for dark hooded cloaks and swords. Keep an eye out for strange tattoos. Touch every book in their library and pull on everything attached to the wall or floor as it may be a lever that opens the secret door leading to an underground lair. If there is any doubt it is best to err on the side of caution. Kidnap the potential secret society member and institute and number of medieval or modern torture methods to get them to confess. Remember that the innocent tend to confess quickly because they don’t know why they are being tortured so they’ll just tell you anything to prevent you from hurting them. In this case play the whole thing off as a joke and offer to buy them a beer but warn them sternly that if they know anything about secret societies or zombies to inform you immediately. After all this go ahead and track their movements for good measure. A good secret society member will warn other members; this may lead you right to their headquarters.

Final Considerations:

Voodoo and/or necromancy are not practiced widely in highly industrialized nations. This means that it is more likely that an attack by these zombies will begin someplace like the Caribbean. If other nations are, at least, prepared to repel the boarders most people should be safe until a more permanent solution can be implemented.

I must first apologize to my loyal reader base for not posting for the last 3 months or so. It couldn’t be helped. I had work, school and apathy preventing me from writing anything in particular. As of late I have been studying a new topic that I would like to explore. Namely, the inevitable rise of Zombies, how to survive in a zombie infested world, the necessary counter-strike and the new governments and social institutions that will arise in the aftermath.

I’ve been working on the problem for some time. The major problem in planning is knowing what kind of zombies will rise up. We must first assume that anything called a zombie is either undead or like undead. If they can die of exsanguination, be poisoned, or killed by destroying some major organ besides the brain they are definitely not zombies. These creatures are cannibals which require a completely different plan altogether. Having a rough definition of zombie, it is necessary to determine what types of zombies are attacking to determine the appropriate counter measures.

First order of business is determining what kinds of zombies are out there. There seem to be several main classifications of zombies. They are the voodoo/necromancer zombie, marsh/sea zombies, the viral/bacterial zombie, the scientific zombie, and the symbiotic zombie. The voodoo/necromancer zombies are the oldest and probably least dangerous. They don’t spread zombism and require knowledge of arcane black arts to create. This makes them susceptible to conventional and sacred attacks. The marsh/sea zombies are created by mythical powers associated with earth marshes or seas, like those in Underwater Nazi Zombies. The viral/bacterial zombies are like those in 28 Days and I Am Legend. They are created by some viral or bacterial infection and usually spread the infection when they bite someone, but don’t kill them. The scientific zombie is usually a government experiment gone wrong or something other technological monstrosity. These zombies may or may not easily infect others. Finally the symbiotic zombie is created when some organism, alien or terrestrial inhabits the victims and turns them into zombies.

There are additional classifications based on how they act or operate as opposed to how they are created. There are the slow lumbering undead types, fast bloodthirsty types, self propagating and non-propagating types, photophobic and non-photophobic types, cursed and non-cursed types, and miscellaneous. The photophobic zombies fear light, or otherwise can’t come out during the day. Cursed zombies may have a laundry list of powers and restrictions, they may only come out during a full moon, or not be able to enter holy ground they. They may be able to hypnotize their victims or melt in holy water. Really these types are bound by their specific curse. Miscellaneous zombies cover the weird stuff like Stephen King’s psionic zombies.

Am I missing anything? Should I add or remove something? What do you think?

My previous post has been received with mixed emotion.  In case anyone was wondering, yes, that was tongue-in-cheek.  This post will be accurate to the best of my knowledge.  Once again I will be covering spirits.

Like many things as ubiquitous as liquor, the origins of distillation have disappeared into the mists of time.  The noticeable usage and consumption of spirits begins in the early medieval period.  Arab alchemists were, most likely, the first to perfect distillation.  The expansion of Islam into Europe and the subsequent growth and expansion of European trade brought scientific communities together.  The knowledge spread and soon thereafter the product of that knowledge was becoming widely available.

There were mixed reactions to spirits but the majority of people accepted the new beverage quite willingly.  The medicinal value of wine had long been extolled by the ancients.  Because spirits were a concentrated version of wine or beer it was considered to be just that much more beneficial.  The real boon for liquor came with the age of exploration.  Beer and wine survived longer than water without spoiling but spirits where potable almost indefinitely.  An equal amount of spirits could make water safe for consumption or make several times the number of sailors forget their troubles.

As a brief and anachronistic aside, the British fleet probably saw the greatest effects thanks to Admiral Edward Vernon, aka Old Grogram or Old Grog (Grogram was a type of cloth used to make coats of which Admiral Vernon was quite fond.)  Old Grog diluted sailor’s rum with water.  This made for a good balance between potable water reserves and jolliness.  A short time later, lemon or lime juice was added to help ward off scurvy.  Some historians suggest that Britain’s maritime supremacy has to do with healthier, happier sailors.

In the early days of liquor, whiskey and brandy where the most commonly available beverages (brandy from the anglo-germanic brandt-wein and brandy-winn literally meaning burnt wine.)  Wine fortified with additional alcohol (the first of note being Port Wine, from Portugal.  I’m guessing you know where its name originates,) was also popular.  These new drinks now made much longer oversea expeditions possible.  The main items that returned in the cargo holds of these far-voyaging ships were spices.

Europeans had, apparently, been eating bland foods for so long that the experience of spiciness drove the creation and expansion of overseas empires (never mind the land and precious metals, etc.)  One such “spice” that tickled a particular European tooth was sugar.  The search for sugar took Europeans into Africa where they paid much of their local help in brandy or whiskey.  Like the priests of old, distilled alcoholic beverages became an abundant, reproducible, easily divisible and storable form of currency.  Not long after discovering their love of sugar they decided it made more sense to grow it themselves.

It should be mentioned at this point that the European love of sugar and desire to produce it as cheaply and abundantly as possible contributed heavily to the advancement of the African slave trade.  Any history of western expansion is inexorably tied with these sad portions of human history and the development of rum, liquor made from the byproducts of the sugar production or molasses, made the slave trade even more lucrative.  Sugar was already a highly valuable commodity.  The additional value of cheap rum in high demand caused the sugar industry to grow ever more rapidly.  More sugar meant more need for slaves, more slaves meant more rum and sugar, more Rum and sugar meant more slaves.  One of the most interesting facts about liquor is that demand seemed limitless, no matter how much was produced or how cheaply it could be acquired; there was always a call for more.

In the Americas in particular, daily life was awash in hard liquor.  The adversities of daily life in the colonies, particularly on the frontiers drove most people to distraction.  Even after the dissolution of British rule rum and various types of whiskey were widely and heavily consumed by the lower classes (which was almost everyone.)  So strong was the American love of whiskey that when Alexander Hamilton proposed a tax on whiskey by the gallon there was an all out rebellion.  Naturally the rebels didn’t do much because their goal was to be three sheets to the wind as often as possible.  It just goes to show that when the government drives through a levy that makes a county dry, good ol’ boys who were drinking whiskey and rye, start singing “This’ll be the day that I die.”

Having written about beer and wine, it seems only fitting (especially because it follows the chronology of the book where I am getting most of this information,) to write about spirits.  Not the evil kind, though their history has had little in the way of positive effect on human history.  No I mean heavily alcoholic beverages, the kinds that require distillation.  Because of the numerous different types I will focus on one in this particular post, namely brandy.

The history of brandy is not very long in the grand scheme of human history.  It begins in 1969 with the formation of the band Looking Glass.  Lead guitarist Elliot Lurie had an undisclosed “relationship” with a girl (her name is unfortunately lost to history forever.)  In order to lightly disguise that a song he was writing was about her, he changed the name of the song’s protagonist to Brandy (the girl’s actual name was reportedly similar.)  In 1972, Epic Records signed Looking Glass and produced their first album.  That album contained the run away hit Brandy (You’re a Fine Girl.) The rest is a roller coaster ride of meteoric rise to fame and tragedy.

The same year that Brandy was released it topped the charts for 3 weeks and went gold later that year.  Looking Glass, the struggling artists became overnight sensations.  Unfortunately their polished studio sound conflicted with their hard edge from previous years.  Fans were made and lost overnight.  What followed was a downward spiral into the depths of depression for all the band members except for drummer Jeff Grob.

Grob had long been a connoisseur of fine whiskey and scotch.  His contribution had been to recommend the addition of this line:

And there’s a girl, in this harbor town
And she works, laying whiskey down
They say “Brandy, fetch another round”
She serves them whiskey and wine

Grob and Lurie had been arguing about the merits of whiskey and wine respectively for years.  In an attempt to reach a middle ground and potentially prop up the bands teetering finances, Grob set out to make whiskey from wine.  His initial creation, a distillation of wine with the delicacy of wine, but the kick of a good scotch, was an immediate success.

The next hurdle was what to name the amazing new beverage.  Many ideas were proposed including Wineskey (derived from blending wine and whiskey) and Grolurskyval (derived from blending portions of all the band members last names.)  Finally it came to them, Brandy.  The drink would bear the name of the forlorn girl from the song.  It was perfect.

Unfortunately the band was denied both patent and copyright when it was discovered that the name Brandy conflicted, not only with Epic Records copyright of the song, but also with a similar beverage by the same name that had been discovered several thousand years earlier and was already widely produced and distributed.  The band never recovered from this final blow.  The next year Elliot Lurie died in a terrible gardening accident that has gone unsolved to this day.  A short time later, Jeff Grob became the first rock star to die by spontaneous human combustion.

The remaining two members of the band (whose names are sadly also lost to history) were left stunned by the deaths of Grob and Lurie became deeply spiritual.  After a long period out of the public eye they formed the Christian Brothers Distillery which makes fine brandy to this day.  Their memoirs were later purchased by Rob Reiner and adapted for screen.  The final product This Is Spinal Tap was a runaway success despite numerous libel and slander suits from Def Leppard.