Your Mom’s A Blog

It is often said that the best offense is a good defense, or maybe it is the other way around. In any case preparing for a zombie attack will make it easier when it does in fact occur. There are certain precursors or signs to look for that signal a massive undead uprising. These signs vary depending on the type of zombies that issue forth.

The voodoo/magical zombies will be the easiest to detect because there are many forces that keep a large number of them from being created. Armies of these zombies can’t be summoned at the drop of a hat. Something special is required to really rouse the dead en masse. Usually some astronomical phenomenon will do the trick. If the planets are all aligned, or some weather anomaly turn the moon red, this is a sure sign that something bad is about to happen. For the exceptionally paranoid reader: read the Book of Revelation, especially the parts about the breaking of seals and pouring out of judgment. (It will be your job to stand in crowds of running people, recite those scriptures and say that this is God’s righteous punishment.) Because voodoo has roots in Catholicism there are also certain ecclesiastical powers that prevent zombie uprisings. A wide scale uprising can, therefore only take place at the actual end of days or in the interim period between popes.

How to Prepare:

Freak astronomical events only occur at a great expanse of years (1000 years is a good round number.) Unfortunately, there are not accurate records about the last zombie uprising because they have been suppressed by governments and/or some secret societies. Fortunately there are steps that can be taken. Determining what astronomical events to be concerned about we must first determine what previous astronomical events caused a mass zombie disturbance. This is a more challenging task. First we will need a panel of experts versed in dead languages, cryptographers, archeologists, astronomers, astrophysicists, and mystics. This group will be charged with poring over the sacred documents looking for codes, finding ancient libraries (the Holy Grail and/or Ark of the Covenant,) monitoring the sky, etc. They will warn of potential astronomical events so that society will not be caught unawares.

Popes, unfortunately, come and go more frequently (there have been 200 some in the past 2000 years.) We can petition the Vatican to have a new pope ready to go before the current pope dies. In fact, there can be a list of potential candidates just be safe (like the order of presidential succession.) This should prevent any lapse in ecclesiastical authority. After all it is surely bad doctrine to expose the faithful to potential zombie attack on an average of every 10 years.

Finding documents hidden by the government and secret societies is more difficult. First, an Anti-Zombie political party must be formed. The leader of this party must be elected chief executive of all countries that hold democratic elections so that he or she can appoint other Anti-Zombie Party members to key positions within intelligence agencies. For countries without democratically elected governments, Anti-Zombie nations will simply declare them a threat to their respective national securities, invade them, and talk their secret documents.

For secret societies everyone must be vigilant. When visiting friends, family and neighbors, search for signs that they belong to a secret society. Check closets for dark hooded cloaks and swords. Keep an eye out for strange tattoos. Touch every book in their library and pull on everything attached to the wall or floor as it may be a lever that opens the secret door leading to an underground lair. If there is any doubt it is best to err on the side of caution. Kidnap the potential secret society member and institute and number of medieval or modern torture methods to get them to confess. Remember that the innocent tend to confess quickly because they don’t know why they are being tortured so they’ll just tell you anything to prevent you from hurting them. In this case play the whole thing off as a joke and offer to buy them a beer but warn them sternly that if they know anything about secret societies or zombies to inform you immediately. After all this go ahead and track their movements for good measure. A good secret society member will warn other members; this may lead you right to their headquarters.

Final Considerations:

Voodoo and/or necromancy are not practiced widely in highly industrialized nations. This means that it is more likely that an attack by these zombies will begin someplace like the Caribbean. If other nations are, at least, prepared to repel the boarders most people should be safe until a more permanent solution can be implemented.

I must first apologize to my loyal reader base for not posting for the last 3 months or so. It couldn’t be helped. I had work, school and apathy preventing me from writing anything in particular. As of late I have been studying a new topic that I would like to explore. Namely, the inevitable rise of Zombies, how to survive in a zombie infested world, the necessary counter-strike and the new governments and social institutions that will arise in the aftermath.

I’ve been working on the problem for some time. The major problem in planning is knowing what kind of zombies will rise up. We must first assume that anything called a zombie is either undead or like undead. If they can die of exsanguination, be poisoned, or killed by destroying some major organ besides the brain they are definitely not zombies. These creatures are cannibals which require a completely different plan altogether. Having a rough definition of zombie, it is necessary to determine what types of zombies are attacking to determine the appropriate counter measures.

First order of business is determining what kinds of zombies are out there. There seem to be several main classifications of zombies. They are the voodoo/necromancer zombie, marsh/sea zombies, the viral/bacterial zombie, the scientific zombie, and the symbiotic zombie. The voodoo/necromancer zombies are the oldest and probably least dangerous. They don’t spread zombism and require knowledge of arcane black arts to create. This makes them susceptible to conventional and sacred attacks. The marsh/sea zombies are created by mythical powers associated with earth marshes or seas, like those in Underwater Nazi Zombies. The viral/bacterial zombies are like those in 28 Days and I Am Legend. They are created by some viral or bacterial infection and usually spread the infection when they bite someone, but don’t kill them. The scientific zombie is usually a government experiment gone wrong or something other technological monstrosity. These zombies may or may not easily infect others. Finally the symbiotic zombie is created when some organism, alien or terrestrial inhabits the victims and turns them into zombies.

There are additional classifications based on how they act or operate as opposed to how they are created. There are the slow lumbering undead types, fast bloodthirsty types, self propagating and non-propagating types, photophobic and non-photophobic types, cursed and non-cursed types, and miscellaneous. The photophobic zombies fear light, or otherwise can’t come out during the day. Cursed zombies may have a laundry list of powers and restrictions, they may only come out during a full moon, or not be able to enter holy ground they. They may be able to hypnotize their victims or melt in holy water. Really these types are bound by their specific curse. Miscellaneous zombies cover the weird stuff like Stephen King’s psionic zombies.

Am I missing anything? Should I add or remove something? What do you think?